Let’s swap criticism for empathy

Can we all give up criticizing others for Lent?

It’s really easy to point fingers at the internet and social media for facilitating unkind words and making it easy to offer an opinion that may not be so pleasant. These musings were triggered in part by seeing people leap to conclusions online about celebrity deaths, and how people feel so free to type nasty comments and speculate about drug use or other unhealthy behavior being the cause of death, or finding out that said celebrity had been trashed online with assumptions about their personality or actions.

But lately I’ve been seeing more of this spilling over into our face-to-face interactions – and sadly, I’m seeing more of it from kids.

Constructive criticism is one thing – as a coach, it’s a necessary part of my job. I’ve always tried to balance fixing what needs to be corrected with uplifting what is being done well. I’ve also appreciated the pro-con method sororities use during membership voting, where any negative comment must be balanced by a positive. It’s realistic – because not everyone is always going to vibe with everyone else – but teaches them to look for the good in everyone.

And I hesitate to point this out because, well, it seems like now I’m criticizing, but I’ve had too many interactions lately where people are so hyperfocused on pointing out what someone else is doing wrong that they don’t realize what they may not be doing so well. Like pointing out something another kid is doing to disrupt an activity, while disrupting the same activity yourself.

It’s also a struggle as a parent, because it’s my job to correct my kids’ behavior, but when it’s not sinking in and I have to repeat myself umpteen times, does it just become criticism? Especially when I get frustrated?

I also know that we all need to vent sometimes, and it can be really frustrating to try to follow the rules and do the right thing only to see what you perceive is others NOT doing the right thing. I try to give my kids space to be heard, but I also don’t want them harming their own peace by getting too worked up over what others are doing – especially when they can’t change it.

There is so much stressing us out, collectively, nowadays. I think that is the impetus for the lack of empathy – we’re all feeling insecure about life and it’s very easy to lash out. But the anger and criticism isn’t going to make the world better. I really think empathy and grace are the ways to go. Be the positive change we want to see in the world.

I ran across an Instagram post the other day as I was pondering all this, and I’d like to leave you with this bit of wisdom:

“I wonder why.

Three words that can make space in your heart for empathy.

I wonder why they’re reacting this way.

I wonder why they’re feeling this way.

I wonder why I’m feeling this way.

Sometimes a little curiosity is all we need to respond with kindness instead of anger.”

– Lori Deschene, tinybuddha.com