My ‘rules on how to be a decent parent to your not-so-like-you kid’

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Parenting is an incredible journey filled with joys, challenges, and the constant pursuit of understanding. For me, one of the most profound challenges I face is having a child who is wildly different from me.

Our personalities and interests are not very similar, and I find that navigating our relationship as she’s gotten older requires several extra doses of patience, empathy, and open-mindedness.

I strive to be an amazing parent, and I work incredibly hard to foster a strong and loving connection with my daughter. That means that I have to often remind myself of my handwritten “Rules on How to Be a Decent Parent to Your Not-So-Like-You Kid.”

1. Embrace Individuality & Nurture Strengths

Coraline is a unique person with her own set of qualities, preferences, and perspectives. Even though I would love for her to be a showboating performer, she would rather opt out of dance recitals and gets intensely uncomfortable during Christmas performances at preschool.

Instead of imposing my expectations or desires on her, I celebrate the diversity that makes her special. Her shyness creates a space for her to very obviously love her family and friends more than most. Her timidness helps me find value in observing situations without an immediate reaction.

I actively listen to her thoughts and feelings, don’t force her into situations where she’ll be uncomfortable, and encourage her to do more of the things she loves – like soccer and gymnastics. (Shout out to her favorites: Coach Denis at Kiddie Kickerz and Miss Krista and Miss Debbie at the West Shore Y!)

I celebrate all of her achievements, no matter how small, because positive encouragement always fosters a sense of pride. I always make an effort to ask her if she’s proud of herself, too. I want her to know that she should be proud of herself, so she can more easily embrace her individuality with confidence as she gets older. (A skill I didn’t harness until my mid-30s.)

2. Get Involved & Stay Positive

Even though I sometimes find her activities a little underwhelming (don’t judge me too poorly, but I would be happy to avoid Legos until the end of time), I do them with her anyway and do my best to stay positive, happy, and fun-loving.

Do I care about the characters from Spidey? No.

Do I want to act out Frozen for the 700th time? No.

Do I want to build things so she can just destroy them? No.

But do I actively listen to her, put on my Frozen wig, and make giant destroyable towers? Absolutely.

I know that one day, she’ll be into boring YouTube videos, and I’ll have to listen to her tell me every detail about it. Will I pretend to be interested in it? Yes. Because it takes just a little bit of effort to make her feel listened to, supported, and cared for.

3. Establish Common Ground

Now, there are times when I’m just done. I just cannot. In those moments, I encourage us to find the interests and activities we collectively share. Sometimes it takes a little schmoozing, but we can often land on something else that both of us are happy with: reading books, visiting friends, or going out for “Mommy Daughter Time.”

At the end of the day, Coraline is intelligent, thoughtful, pensive, shy, silly, and just an all-around amazing human. She’s made me look at the world differently, and because of who she is, I have experienced so much personal growth. I’ve needed to change things about myself to parent her more effectively, to be her mom rather than just a mom.

With any luck, I hope that I am laying the foundation for a strong and enduring relationship – that transcends differences – for the rest of our lives.