How adults shape the future of youth sports

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My youngest daughter, age 9, is playing 4th-5th grade rec soccer this fall. It’s not her first year playing soccer, but it’s her first season at this level. Both of my daughters have mainly played rec-level sports, basically because it’s an opportunity to try new things, to learn and develop skills.

There was an incident during my daughter’s soccer game last weekend. And I don’t want to call anyone out, so I won’t give details, but it boils down to coaches and parents yelling at opposing kids, coaches, and even the ref. Claiming that opposing players were purposely pushing or trying to trip their kids. Yelling at the ref that the opponent was doing something that was against the rules, when it was actually a legal play.

And it left me thinking… why do we have our kids play rec sports?

I don’t have a problem with playing to win, when that involves encouraging kids to play their best and when it doesn’t involve maneuvering the situation to benefit your team. Winning is a good goal to have, as long as it isn’t your only goal.

I don’t have a problem with celebrating wins, as long as it’s done in a sportsmanlike manner, like celebrating a personal accomplishment without making the opponent feel like failure. I also think it’s great to celebrate personal victories or milestones, so that kids can reflect on achieving a goal and the journey to get there.

In rec sports, especially at the elementary level, our coaches are volunteers. In fact, a lot of times coaches are just team parents pressed into service because the team needs a coach, and they don’t have any experience in the sport, let alone coaching. Fun fact: I actually started my coaching career in 8th grade as an assistant coach for my younger sister’s soccer team. And no, I’d never played soccer a day in my life.

Which brings me to another point – rec sports are not just a place where we develop players, we also develop coaches and refs. That’s another reason this incident bothered me so much, because the ref was a teenager getting screamed at. Rec soccer refs are either volunteer or get paid a very, very small stipend per game. It’s never OK to berate refs of any age, but in a time where we are hurting for officials across all levels, particularly the high school level, I think it’s especially misguided to scream at a teenage ref just trying to learn a job and also help your kids.

Yelling at kids in sports, whether they are players or refs, isn’t going to keep them in sports. Even if most of those kids don’t go on to play their sport at a higher level, they are potential future coaches and officials, too. We shouldn’t be turning them off from the sport at this young age.

Our coach shared some thoughts with us after the game, and I’d like to share them here, because I feel like they reflect what I’ve always thought about coaching and about youth sports.

He said he believes coaching is about more than what happens on the field; it’s about teaching the kids life skills that go beyond just soccer or cheerleading or basketball or any other sport. It’s about teaching them to be good teammates, how to handle pressure, respect, communication, discipline, leadership, and resilience.

It’s not only coaches that need to model this behavior, but it’s the parents and fans on the sidelines as well. Our kids are watching. We’re shaping their future, one goal at a time.