Where did she get THAT language from?!

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When she was 3, my youngest daughter dropped a cup at home and said something that sounded like “darn it.” Except, it wasn’t “darn.” It was something a little more, uh, grown up.

My husband and I were pretty sure that’s what she said, so after we finished our inappropriate giggling, we wondered what to do next.

First of all, we weren’t sure if that was actually what she said. Second, we wondered where she had heard that (surely, not from us!). And third, we wondered what to do it if happened again.

Well, sure enough, she said what we thought she said. And she said it again the next day. Less giggling this time, more worrying about how to put a stop to it.

I know I’m not alone in being surprised (and a little amused and a little mortified) at having a child use a swear word for the first time. In my case, it didn’t happen until my second child. And although it was a surprise to me, experts who work with children say it’s not uncommon and it is something that can usually be managed before it gets out of hand.

“When you hear your child swear for the first time, it may sound adorable, but if you smile, you are reinforcing (i.e., rewarding) the behavior,” said Pauline Wallin, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with a Camp Hill practice. “Most parents already know that.”

“However, they may not realize that showing surprise or serious disapproval is also reinforcing, but in different way. This time the reinforcement is the attention and power that the child gets from saying something that elicits a strong reaction from you,” Dr. Wallin said. “Either type of reinforcement increases the likelihood that the child will continue to use the same swear words.”

Sarah Haas, Ph.D., is a post doctoral fellow at Penn State Hershey Medical Center with a background in child psychology. She also stressed that that most important thing parents can do when swearing first becomes an issue is to give it as little attention as possible.

Particularly when a child is preschool age, Dr. Haas said the best approach is to stay calm and use a normal tone of voice to tell the child that’s not an appropriate word to use and then to redirect their attention to something else. The less time spent on the matter, the better.

Dr. Wallin also advocated a neutral, casual approach, noting that strong emotional reactions can inadvertently reward a child who’s primarily seeking attention.

Dr. Haas said if a child’s swearing grabbed a lot of attention the first time, the child may very well continue trying it out. This is where she suggests “planned ignoring.” That means pretty much what it sounds like—purposely ignoring the child when they swear in the hopes that it loses some of its appeal.

“The behavior may get worse before it gets better,” Dr. Haas warned, as a child may even escalate their intensity or frequency to see if they can get a reaction from the swearing. That’s where it’s especially important for the parent not to give in and react to the swearing, or else it will only give a negative reinforcement.

Both experts said it’s not enough to just to tell children that they shouldn’t say a word or certain types of words.

“It’s not just telling them what not to say. It’s telling them what is OK to say,” Dr. Haas said. Particularly if children are using a swear word to express a frustration, she suggests telling them that they could say “That stinks” or “darn it.” The importance is on giving the child appropriate social skills to handle their feelings. She said each family also may have its own words that are considered appropriate or not.

For some children, pointing out that the behavior is wrong and not approved may be enough to make it stop. And for some others, ignoring it so the child realizes it’s not going to bring any attention may be the key.

But for some children, Dr. Haas said parents may need to turn to incentives. For instance, if a child is routinely swearing at least once a day, she suggested rewarding the child in some way if they don’t do that. For some children, verbal praise may be enough.

“Thank you so much for using kind words,” Dr. Haas suggested as a motivator. “Thank you for using your words properly.”

If the child’s goal is to get attention, Dr. Haas said it’s much more fruitful to steer children toward positive attention.

“Attention is one of the most powerful tools in your toolbox (as a parent),” she said.

Although some parents may be more inclined to punish their children rather than ignore or work toward positive reinforcement, Dr. Wallin said punishment isn’t very effective at curtailing an issue such as this.

“Research shows that punishment works mainly when you’re there to police the behavior, but it doesn’t teach appropriate behavior. If you put your child in timeout for saying [an expletive] she’ll probably learn not to say it in your presence, but she might say it at school or at a friend’s house.”

Dr. Haas said she certainly can understand why some parents may immediately jump to punishment, but in the long term she said these other steps do more to address the problem.

Dr. Haas said she often asks parents who have concerns with this reward model to look at it in another way. She asks them if they would go to work if they didn’t get a paycheck. That’s the kind of cause and effect she said can help children behave appropriately.

One of the reasons this subject may be uncomfortable for a lot of parents to discuss is the concern that a child’s language is a reflection of their own. Indeed, the child had to learn that word somewhere.

There, Dr. Wallin urged parents to lead by example.

“Next time you slam your finger in the door or spill coffee all over your lap, before you say anything, remember that your kids may be within earshot,” she said.

Dr. Haas agreed that parents certainly are the primary models for their children, but also noted that learning comes from a variety of sources.

“Kids pick up these types of behavior everywhere,” she said. “Regardless of where it’s coming from, you can talk about it and help change it.”

For the record, my husband and I actually used some of the techniques the professionals mentioned in this article when our 3-year-old swore and we were able to put an end to our little problem.

As for where she picked up the language, Grandma got to the bottom of that one day when she was visiting and asked the little one where she had heard those words.

“Mommy,” said my sweet baby girl.

Humbled, I worked on being more aware of what I was saying, even when I thought no one was listening. Because when you have kids around, someone’s always listening.

Lisa Maddux is a freelance writer who lives in Boiling Springs with her husband and two daughters.