How to play Pokémon GO like a 1970s kid

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Hey kids, isn’t Pokemon GO a lot of fun? And finally, someone invented a video game that we parents approve of (sort of.)

Sure, you kids are still tethered to your screens. But for once, the screen is telling you to get off your duff, get out of the house and run around outdoors like real kids.

Whoops…sorry. Of course, you’re real kids.

It’s just that for us adults who grew up in the 60s, 70s, and 80s—you know, back when Vinyl records were cool the first time around—we can’t always relate to your 21^st century version of a happy childhood. For example, when we were kids, a really superb summer meant hours out of the house away from your mom’s ear (and reach), building forts out of old lumber and daring each other to run past the yard with the one-eyed, snarling dog.

For you kids, a really cool summer means Skyping with friends and playing video games until your eyeballs cross.

OK, maybe that’s not completely true.

But we adults did come up with “free-range parenting,” just to force kids outdoors once in a while so they didn’t get rickets.

Now, Pokemon GO is doing the work for us!

One simple app download, and you kids are voluntarily walking around in fresh air while reading neighborhood maps and using your smartphone to try to capture a Zubat. Like cicada broods Y, Z and Millennial, Pokemon GO propelled you to reemerge from cyber-nymph stages and into the Whole Wide World where “environment” isn’t just a Tumblr tag and sunshine is more than an emoji.

The only problem is that we old-school parents never taught you kids how to survive a summer childhood outdoors. Ironic, right?

We’re sorry, truly. But you were all so quiet in front of your screens, and then we parents started playing Words With Friends and sort of let well enough alone.

Our bad.

But now that you’re doing childhood up right, maybe it’s time to teach you a bit of Old-Style Summer Safety. After all, there have been news reports that, on your quest to capture virtual Pokemon, you’ve been freaking people out a bit—stalking their homes, looking like creepers, and sustaining injuries because you’re walking around with a phone in your face.

That’s right, the news media is seriously reporting on people getting bruised shins from tripping while playing Pokemon GO. Back in my day, we called a bruised shin LIFE, buddy. Headlines were saved for evil dictators, Watergate and the atomic bomb. Toughen up, kids!

In fact, let’s start right now.

How to play Pokemon GO like a 1970s kid

1. Travel in packs.

Back in the 1970s, every kid had a posse, a gang, a group. Your group was your team for impromptu games of kickball and Mummy in the Graveyard. If someone in the group did something stupid or naughty, you were less likely to be singled out for punishment because 1) there was always someone else to blame and 2) adults find solace in believing other kids are the instigators, never their own, and 3) adults get exhausted trying to reprimand large groups of kids, and are more likely to just yell about “kids these days” and throw their hands up in the air.

So, knowing that you might do something stupid while playing Pokemon GO, hang with a group and blame it on them.

2. Stay out of dark alleys and abandoned buildings. Don’t take the shortcut through the woods.

This is where a long string of B-horror movies and urban legends did much of my parent’s hard work for them. Unfortunately, you guys have Snopes and FactCheck.org, so you’re less likely to believe the crazy cautionary tales about monsters, UFOs and politicians.

How about this: If there is Clefairy in the basement of the abandoned mill, let it go. There’s probably a meth lab down there, and some scary dude will go all Tuco Salamanca on you.

3. Look both ways when crossing the street.

Also, don’t walk into telephone poles. Don’t run out in front of cars. Step up when you approach a curb. Wait until the light changes. Stop, drop and roll. Don’t do drugs. Only you can prevent forest fires. Don’t be a litterbug. Don’t tug on Superman’s cape and don’t spit into the wind. Have a nice day.

There’s a lot to remember to stay safe when outdoors. These days, I’m sure there’s an app.

4. People are fussy about their private property.

Old guys will take your ball if you hit it into their yard. Your mom’s friend will tell you to stop trampling her flowerbed. There’s always the one lawn you have to stay off when playing a neighborhood-wide game of Manhunt.

All this is true when playing Pokemon GO. If you need to chase a wild Pokemon into Mrs. Patel’s backyard, ask first. Knock on the door and use this script:

“Hi Mrs. Patel! My name is _________ and I live at __________. You know my mom, she complimented your pimento cobbler casserole at the school picnic. Ma’am, my friends and I are documenting local birds for a class project, and we saw a beautiful Pidgey in your backyard. Do you mind if we take a photo and leave. We won’t be a moment, Ma’am.”

Adults love that kind of thing.

5. What to do if you find a dead body or a pack of marauding thieves.

At least one person playing Pokemon GO has stumbled upon a decomposing corpse.

Other people are getting waylaid by bandits targeting Pokemon GO stops.

First of all, it doesn’t take Pokemon GO to find dead bodies or get mugged. If you wander near any of the following, with or without your smartphone—swamps, quarries, railroad tracks, down by the creek, the woodshed outback, dumpsters, canals, places called “Devil’s Cave” or “Murder Forest”—you are asking for trouble.

Which didn’t always stop 70s kids from exploring these places. But we sometimes got mugged or found dead bodies. (Note: Watch the movie “Stand By Me” to see how “I found a dead body” worked before the internet.)

I can’t recommend trespassing in quarries or railroads, but if you do, know that you could be the next decomposing body or urban legend, saving hundreds of other kids from your grisly fate. Also, please re-read No. 1 of this list.

That should cover most of your adventures outdoors this summer, chasing Charizard and Squirtle. Have fun and try not to show up in the headlines!

Pokémon GO: What is it, how do you play and how do you stay safe