The Momversation

Momversation (n.) 1. The act of one or more mothers attempting adult conversation with another mother amidst frequent and irritating interruptions. 2. Talking while being in any way responsible for one or more children. 3. The vain belief one’s life will allow for real adult interaction with other moms while your children still live at home.

Exhibit A: The Post-Work Phone Call

It’s about 4:30, and the usual is happening: the dog is whining to be let out to pee, the tween is yelling she has to go to the bathroom which we both know is her code for sneaking YouTube videos on her tablet, and the toddler is annihilating the pantry while screaming, “MOMMY! ME EAT! ME EAT!” I’m probably massaging my temples while staring at the fridge when my phone rings. After a quick glance tells me this is not the 23rd spam telemarketer call of the day but instead a too-rare ring from one of my besties, I do the unthinkable; I answer it.

Me: Hey, girl, long time no talk!

Friend: Oh my God, I know, it’s ridiculous. I’m just now driving home from work so thought I’d try to catch you.

Me: I’m so glad you did because I’ve been–LAYLA STOP! The pantry shelves are not a ladder! No, get down! Here, here are your gummies. Good Lord.

Friend: Sounds like Logan. Yesterday he…

Maya from the bathroom: MOM COME HERE I NEED YOU RIGHT THIS SECOND. SOMETHING HAPPENED TO MY TABLET AND IT WON’T PLAY MY VIDEO.

Me: Sharon, hold on, I can’t hear you over Maya’s melodrama right now, I’m sorry.

Friend: No problem, this is what it sounds like at my house all the time.

Me: So you’re probably so glad you called to listen to it at mine.

Maya: MOM DID YOU HEAR ME?!

Me: YES BUT I AM ON THE PHONE AND YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING YOUTUBE RIGHT NOW ANYWAY. GET YOUR HOMEWORK FOLDER OUT.

Friend: Why is that such a struggle?

Me: Exactly. It’s driving me crazy. So anyway, I wanted to–Layla, no! NO! Gummies are not for the puppy. Here, want to watch Minnie? Let’s put on Minnie Mouse.

Maya: UGHHHHHHHHHH I HATE THIS STUPID THING.

Me: Then GET OFF IT and come get your homework folder out! Ugh, Sharon, I’m sorry. What were we talking about?

Friend: Honestly, I don’t even know. But it’s good to just hear your voice. I’m actually at the daycare and gotta go anyway.

Exhibit B: The Group Text

Friend A: *sends hilarious meme about mom life*

Friend B: *sends three laugh cry emoji faces*

Friend A: I’m so beyond ready for a girls night

Friend B: Oh me too. I’m ready for a girls vacay

Friend A: Right?! As if we could ever get away with it

Friend B: Listen, I’ve got these Groupons queued up

Friend A: For where?

*23 more texts and GIFs about fantasy trips*

Me: (12-36 hours later) OMG you’re hilarious

Exhibit C: The Get-Together (With Kids)

After we walk in and I plop down the toddler, diaper backpack, covered dish, bottle of wine, extra coat, sippy cup, American Girl doll, and partridge in a pear tree that I carried in, and we exchange hellos, my husband disappears to stand around the grill with the other husbands while the moms are left to survive Kidpocalypse.

Me: So how’s the little one sleeping?

Friend 1: Oh, she’s a dream compared to her brother. And I don’t know what his deal has been but he’s been terrible lately.

Friend 2: Jealousy?

Friend 3: Hey, hey, hey, hey, no hitting. We need to take turns and it’s his turn. You need to wait.

Me: Layla’s started waking up again and I’m too exhausted to even try and do anything but throw her in bed with us.

Friend 3: Oh I know, and they say not to do that but—

Friend 1: Hey, no, no, no! We are not throwing crayons.

*Layla throws crayons*

Me: Layla, no, go get that now.

*Layla stares at me awkwardly*

Friend 1: It could be jealousy with the baby, but also since we moved he’s been—

Me: Layla, are you pooping? Layla, do you need to go potty?

*Layla keeps staring*

Me: Layla? Are you–

Layla: Mommy PAH-EEE! MY POOP! *starts running away*

Friend 3: There’s a training potty upstairs.

Me: Great, thanks!

*12 minutes later*

Me: Okay, sorry, you were saying about the new house.

Friend 1: Oh, yeah, it’s been really nice to finally be in it.

Friend 2: Has anyone seen my kid? I thought he was in the kitchen but he’s not.

Me: You know, now that you mention it, I don’t know where Maya is.

*Sounds of YouTube videos of slime-making emanate from behind the couch*

 
How does one woman manage to be a full-time mother, teacher, and writer? Barely, that’s how. A high school teacher for over a decade, a mother of two girls ages 8 and 2, and a writer since the time she could create sentences, Lynne never has enough hours in the day, but more than enough to love. Two-time Perry County Poet Laureate and PCCA’s 2017 Educator of the Year, Lynne knows the highest honor is making it through each day of Millennial Motherhood. Find more about Lynne and her work at www.lynnereeder.com and by following her on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter @thepoemreeder.